All through my life I've been having significant mood swings.
I'm entirely and utterly elated to the point where hedonism seems like to be the only purpose in my life. I will feel like socializing, like coming up with insane ideas, and with doing anything that is fast-paced, and intense. Music will sound amazing, I will be driving the car and listening to the radio and feeling I am absolutely invincible. I will come online and chat to people about how amazing things are going and how energized I feel. About how I never feel tired and how I feel absolutely amazing and blessed to be in this position in my life.
I feel like I am in a hole, wish that somebody would shoot me, can't see any purpose to my life, feel intensely lonely (despite having relatives and some friends), feel like I could die anytime and it wouldn't even matter. I will question why anybody would like to be around me, be around my very depressed personality. Feel like I have zero positive traits. I'm thin, ugly, not intelligent. People have high expectations from me and I keep disappointing them, and most importantly, the expectations I have set for myself.
The last two months I've been on a high, and this is the first couple of days where I've felt this way (e.g. depressed, hopeless, etc.)
I'll be starting memantine shortly (on Thursday) and will report my results here. It is the only substance that ever stabilized me in some regard and allowed me to do the things I want without alternating between these two states.
I hope this journal will help other lost souls.