noos

I am just trying this feature. It may be good to save interesting material like this.

Ok I see there is a limit. The editor should tell the remaining characters.

Originally Posted by metalhead0

Developing social confidence basically comes down to a few key aspects.

First, and most difficult, you need to not care what other people think of you. I know this is much easier said than done, since human beings are hardwired to care what other people think (insert long evolutionary discussion). Having other people not like you sucks. It can physically hurt. But PARADOXICALLY, not caring what other people think of you tends to make people more receptive of you. Why? Because when you care what other people think, everything you do is REACTIVE in nature. You are doing things to get a specific reaction out of others. Think of the nerdy kid in school who gets picked on, so he goes and buys "cool" clothes from the cool clothing store. What happens when he wears those clothes to school the next day? He still gets picked on even though he's wearing the same clothes that the cool kids wear. Why? Because they know he's doing it to get a specific reaction out of everyone else. This is subtly communicated in his body language, etc. He probably doesn't realize it, and the other people can't quantify it, but they notice it. Caring what other people think is a low value behavior and other people will respond subconsciously and automatically.

So how do you stop caring what other people think? Well, that's the hard part. It basically comes down to knowing that you don't have any problems with yourself. Are you a good person? Do you have your life together? Do people have good experiences when they are with you? If so, then you won't even be affected by someone who doesn't like you because you know that the problem isn't with you. Basically, you will stop looking to others for approval. You are at a good place in your life and are naturally drawn to others who are in the same situation.

The second aspect of social confidence is changing your belief structure. I realize this may sound a little new-agey but just bear with me. To someone who is introverted and shy, they have created this model of reality in their brain where they are introverted and shy. Remember, we're dealing with analytical people here, and this model makes sense to them because look at how many years they have of seeing things unfold this way. They have years and years and years of life experience where they fit the role of the shy and introverted person. That's a lot of reinforcement. That's the way things are to them. In becoming more social, you are going to challenge many of these ideas that you have about yourself. Sure, anyone can say "I would like to walk into a room and own it," but to actually experience it requires a certain level of mental acceptance. As you start getting more social attention, you begin to feel something called "social pressure." Social pressure is the feeling you get when other people are "testing" you to see if you're really the person you are presenting yourself as. You feel social pressure every time you do something different from what is expected of you. Social pressure "puts people back in their place" because it is uncomfortable, especially at first. Did you ever watch "Fresh Prince of Bel Air?" Remember when Will Smith was at that private school and he wore his jacket inside out so the colorful part was on the outside but everyone else wore theirs with the dark part on the outside? Imagine you are the one doing that. You would feel social pressure. Most people would notice everyone reacting to them and would eventually turn their jacket right side out again, but Will Smith, because he was so cool with it and was just doing it as a part of who is is (rather than to get a reaction out of everyone), was cool with it and people responded positively to it and it increased his social status.

Part of being socially confident is having the confidence to deal with social pressure, because the better you get socially, the more pressure you will feel as people "test" you to see if you really are the cool person you are portraying yourself as, or if you are just a poser who is trying to be cool.

Changing your internal beliefs can take a while. If you were suddenly the coolest person in the room, your brain might have trouble believing what was going on simply because you have so much experience believing that you are NOT the coolest person in the room. When this happens it can actually mess people up for a little while. It's like your entire concept of reality was just flipped on its head, and the ego does not like that. This is especially true if you're a very analytical person. Imagine working on something for years and years and having all these theories and data and everything supports everything else and looks perfect, and then one day you realize you made a small mistake and EVERYTHING is wrong.

When you start working to become more social, small things may cause you to feel social pressure and you will very likely feel the urge to retreat back into your head and be shy again where you are comfortable and safe. This can be different for everyone. I know some people who literally get nervous and shut down if someone makes eye contact with them at a party or at a bar. I know other people who get nervous and anxious if someone comes up to them and says "hi." Wherever you are at, the key is taking things in small steps. If a week ago you couldn't even say "hi" to someone, and then today you say "hi" and shake hands, you just made a ton of improvement. It takes people months/years to improve at this stuff. But slowly, over time, your beliefs will start to change. You go from "I don't like talking to other people and other people don't like talking to me, either," to something more like "hey, sometimes I meet cool people and we have a good time" to maybe even something like "I'm pretty confident talking to people I don't know because why wouldn't I be? That's just part of who I am."

Analytical people also have a tendency to take things too seriously. Remember when I said not to be logical? Don't be too serious, either. Joke around. Have fun. No one likes the uptight serious guy, and usually the uptight serious guy is clinging so strongly to his analytical mindset because he's afraid to let go because if he does let go, his world will no longer make sense. And that's scary.